Winston Bedwell held a news conference Saturday asking for help to petition the US government to recognize the establishment a Butt-Gnomes as an official religion. Bedwell was adamant that there are gnomes living in the lower intestines of everyone in the world, and influence how we act and decide our fate in the afterlife.
“People often talk about angels and spirits and whatever, but really what they are talking about is Butt-Gnomes, and they are real,” stated Bedwell. “It is a proven scientific fact that gnomes exist and are with us every day. When you feel a little discomfort down there that is in fact a gnome battle between the good gnomes and the bad gnomes. It is vital that they are allowed to carry out these battles as the good gnomes need to expel the bad in order to maintain positive balance. When you die if there are more good gnomes than bad gnomes you will go to heaven, and conversely if there are too many bad gnomes you will go to hell. You can influence these battles by thinking positive thoughts about Butt-Gnomes.”
During question period, there was obvious incredulity about Bedwell’s theories. Bedwell responded, “Prove to me that there are not Butt-Gnomes in my body. You can’t, because they’re invisible to X-rays and colonoscopies. Everyone is always saying the burden of proof is on me, but if you have a world view that denies the existence of Butt-Gnomes then you have to prove this to me and the world. I can’t imagine a world worth living in without Butt-Gnomes.”
Upon repeated calls from reporters to provide some form of proof, Bedwell responded, “Fine. If you really will toss aside all logic and insist that Butt-Gnomes do not exist I will prove it to you. This is a picture of an actual bad Butt-Gnome that I expelled just last week.” Bedwell displayed the following grainy photo which appeared to show the image of a gnome.
“This is way more evidence than any Christian or other religion has produced. This isn’t some image on toast, this is an actual real life picture of a bad Butt-Gnome that is at this minute running around our steets looking for it’s next victim. I pity the person that he finds, because it was one hell of a battle in me and he was a hard one to expell.”
There are few publications in popular literature on gnomes, and none appear to describe Butt-Gnomes. This is something that Bedwell says he intends to fix as soon as he has time as he said he is very busy with his career as a plumber. Bedwell urged anyone that sees his bad Butt-Gnome to call the authorities right away. He also called on people to petition the government to recognize Butt-Gnomes as a religion so that he can have tax free status and enable him to accept donations towards his book on Butt-Gnomes.